In retrospect, the indications were all there with Winnie-The-Pooh – while we’re not condemning his beautiful little crop top, his choice to go completely naked on the lower half is very frightening.

It’s not just a fundamental misunderstanding of how garments function in the first place, but it also can’t be very pleasant. It’s nearly as psychotic as wearing pants to bed.

With the honey-gobbling hero of countless childhoods now getting his own murderous slasher film, Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey, starring our Winnie as a feral killer hell-bent on torturing and murdering Christopher Robin and his hapless associates, with the help of his deranged sidekick Piglet (of course it would be Piglet), here are some other seemingly innocent childhood characters who deserve their own terrifying spin-offs.


There’s a lot of suppressed wrath locked inside the Arthur clinched fist meme – in all honesty, Arthur Read is already inches away from full-fledged evil. He’s even got a wicked alter-ego from the original show, the cleverly called Evil Arthur, queued up for his big slasher moment.

What is their Achilles’ heel? Green chips (if you know what I mean)

The Vampire Mona

Mona is well on her way to becoming a horror icon. In the popular children’s program, she is a beneficent hero who uses her fanged wits to defeat otherworldly enemies and foes. Unfortunately, Mona and her sidekicks Zapman and Princess Giant’s secret magical abilities are continuously questioned by Principal Ivan Shawbly and teacher Miss Gotto. Could she lose her cool and go on a blood-sucking spree as a result of this?

What is their Achilles’ heel? Angela Smith, the spoilt lottery winning nepo kid, may finally put her immense fortune to good use in bringing Mona down.

Pippin and Auntie Mabel

Come Outside! is easily one of the most wholesome children’s shows on the air. Auntie Mabel (played excellently by the late Lynda Baron) and her trusty dog Pippin used to fly around in a Slingsby T67 Firefly, learning about the world around them. Though it’s difficult to imagine the program taking a more sinister turn, that’s kind of the point – it’s always the ones you least expect!

What is their Achilles’ heel? An unraveling woollen pullover has already foiled the couple, and it may be the only item strong enough to overcome them this time.

The Teletubbies

Given the amount of shit Tinky Winky has been subjected to over the years for daring to express himself with a fetching red handbag, it’s entirely possible that he’ll decide to exact his revenge on humanity, aided by the rest of his slightly unsettling Teletubby crew and the intense destructive power of Noo-Noo. Give online horror game Slendytubbies a try for a taste of how terrible it could be. That was terrifying.

What is their Achilles’ heel? Connecting an HDMI cable to their televisions and watching some soothing nature programs may assist to reduce the violence.

Jim and Rosie

Rosie, Jim, and their accomplice Duck have a strange, ambiguous dynamic as they glide silently around in their little narrowboat, strangely invisible to humans while they commit mischief on Birmingham’s waterways. Friends with advantages? What is a polycule? They may appear innocuous in comparison to some of the other villains listed, but if the construction of HS2 interferes with their typical route through the West Midlands, all manner of horrors could ensue.

What is their Achilles’ heel? A well-aimed harpoon to the ship’s starboard side.


All great villains require a mentor, and for Pingu, The Wrong Trousers’ antagonist McGraw is unquestionably the best choice. If you see him waddling around with a rubber glove on his head, call 911 immediately. We’ve all seen what occurred the last time.

What is their Achilles’ heel? He is well-known for his dislike of beets.

Beaker, Tracy

Another evil requirement is an origin tale. From her intrusive and largely ineffective social worker Elaine to her stunt-acting mother’s abuse (who never visits The Dumping Ground), The Beaker has plenty of reasons to seek vengeance. Is she just a barker with no bite? To be honest, I doubt it. Tracy has some beautifully cutting catchphrases up her sleeve, but she appears to be a decent egg in general.

What is their Achilles’ heel? The Maroon 5 CD by Rio Wellard

Clifford, the Great Red Dog

Clifford, a giant slavering beast who causes enormous devastation with a single tail-wag, may be man’s best friend, but his sheer size makes him a good choice for a slasher spin-off. Meanwhile, Emily Elizabeth, the eight-year-old girl who rides him around like a glorified pony, would make an ideal sidekick.

What is their Achilles’ heel? Grapes, chocolate, and all the other foods that are toxic to dogs.

The Big Bird

Try to discover a glimmer of empathy in Big Bird’s heartless eyes, bead-like black holes sitting above his keen yellow beak. You’ll be looking for quite some time. Despite his abilities in poetry, rollerskating, singing, ice skating, and sketching, among other things, it’s evident that Big Bird has no capacity for remorse. In general, Barack Obama is correct. He is a “evil genius” and a “threat to our economy.”

What is their Achilles’ heel? Radar, Big Bird’s treasured teddy bear, has been removed.

Mr. Blobby’s

Mr Blobby’s custard-colored veins already have a lusty appetite for devastation. Not content with causing a small child to cry by flinging her birthday cake onto the floor, he also damaged This Morning’s studio for no reason other than his own sadistic delight – frankly, the only thing this prank-loving villain lacks is a proper motivation. He must never, ever discover of Holly and Phil skipping the line to see Queen Lizzie in state; who knows what atrocities might be revealed there?

What is their Achilles’ heel? Gary Barlow famously despises Mr Blobby for preventing Take That from becoming a number one, and the two have a history. If things get out of hand, the only way to stop him is to fight him.


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